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Derail My Fake Life

Last month, I posted about drug addiction.

If the goal of this whole vulnerability blogging practice was ever to ‘derail my fake life’ then this one was the motherload.

Sharing my grief and childhood shame was relatively easy because they still left the ‘goodness’ of my adult self image intact.

Writing about drug addiction was different. It completely bombed my ego structure around “I am a good, innocent, wholesome, upstanding member of society.”

As soon as I posted it, I realised that I’d flipped into a very altered state. Swooshing mind. Clouds of pain, fatigue and agitation roaming my body, looking for somewhere to lodge.

I recognised it as a mild form of the mental breakdown state. I’ve experienced this before from traumatic events but never yet from deliberate self work.

Before being opened to transformation, I would have spiralled into illness or narrowly escaped into comfort and coping.

This time, I had my 5Rhythms class just a few hours later. I spotted it on the horizon and knew this was my canvas to transform - whatever that needed to look like.

Sure enough breakdown became breakthrough in the ‘chaos’ rhythm - which is all about releasing, surrendering, and “emptying the mind out of the head and into the body.”

Here I was able to breakthrough to a far deeper expression of chaos. On the ground. Flailing wildly. In community with others. All in service of a becoming beyond my old self images.

And the journey continues.

Last week, I posted about starting to healing my relationship to the feminine energy, including a brief account of probably my most shameful sex act.

Waves of anxiety rippled across my life for the next few days, then experiences of a shift in the configuration of my sexual energy.

By simply being my truth, the healing had begun.

I noticed the shift immediately in relationship to my wife, to female colleagues, to women in my 5Rhythms class. A dropping away of the fear that had manifested as a need to control.

Then I began to wonder. After drugs and sex, what next? Where does this path of truth lead. I began to fear that I’d run out of darkness only to find nothingness.

Then I stopped and looked deeper within.

I imagined someone leaking my lost diary. That would have been far harder to handle than my intentional acts of vulnerability.

I am still afraid of being accidentally seen as bad, wrong or ugly - without the ‘cleverness’ or ‘boldness’ of my intention to shield me.

In that moment, I plunged into my unconscious story, the deep programming of messages that I picked up as a child:

  • I live in a world where I must never say, “I don’t know.”
  • “Don’t make a fool of yourself” and “don’t be stupid” are conditions of love.

So I’ve set myself an ‘intentional space’ - an opening - to discover actions through which I can step out of integrity with the survival story which no longer serves me.

From Fear to Love.

The first thing to emerge from this intentional space is making videos which I’ve been afraid of for years because of the risk of unintentionally appearing stupid or ugly.

Watch this space.