A huge theme for me this year is around healing my relationship to the feminine energy. The energy of nurturing. The energy of receiving. The energy of surrender.
As I see this threshold on my horizon, I realise that I’ve been signposted repeatedly - through the meanings I’ve made of the words and actions of others.
My near-lifelong relationship to the feminine has been counter-creative, destructive, toxic. Whether that be the feminine energy in women or the feminine in myself.
A memory comes. Fifteen years ago. Alone in the apartment of my future wife. The couple above are arguing. He throws her phone out of the window. It smashes outside.
She begs him to take his hands from her throat. My heart races. Panic. He then ends it. Bending her, head out of the window, he victory fucks her for all to hear.
And hidden in the window alcove below them, I masturbate.
I welcome my shame and hold it high. I bless my inner teachers.
This memory - an expression of my shadows, the parts of myself that I would deny and repress - holds a secret key to my own healing and transformation. From fear to love.
I see within myself a deeply fear-based relationship to the feminine energy. That I must dominate it. Capture it. Control it. Exploit it. Pornify it.
All in service of my fear that it will rise up, beyond my power, engulfing me like an unstoppable force of nature. The waves of the ocean come to my mind.
This fear continues to manifest in subtle ways. The battle between my self expression and my self exploitation. Feeling intimidated by powerful or attractive women.
Early on, I learned to be ashamed of my body and sexuality. It was not to be expressed or discussed. I became deeply disconnected. And here begins my healing.
When I did the New Warrior Training Adventure weekend last summer, I healed a huge wound around my relationship to the masculine energy. Becoming a man for the first time.
My relationship with men was transformed. Where there was once only distrust, competition and comparison, there is now deep brotherhood as a man amongst men.
I was able locate and reconnect with my own inner power and safety. I had always been there. No longer did I need to please others or be seen in safe ways to be validated.
This year I am signed up to an upcoming Shadow Work weekend. My first experience of a co-gender shadow work circle. I plan to bring my sex shame to the circle.
I have also booked myself on the Nobleman weekend this year. A circle of male initiates, contained by an outer circle of initiated women. Again, I will face the feminine.
All in service of healing my femininity and my relationship to the feminine energy within and without. Somewhere inside me, I will find and surrender to my ‘inner womb’.
As I hold the prospect of opening myself, I stand at the ocean’s edge, eyes open, arms open, heart open, in that moment of calm as the titanic wave silently hovers. Take me.